Regret
by shedoesntlive
Summary: Drabble,AU,lets pretend Jane has a hard time keeping her pants on.Slightly disturbing/graphic.


For some reason there was always that lingering sense of regret every single fucking time I felt his eyes on me. I can feel his gaze raking my body...trail of searing white hot fire up my spine whilst I feel like vomitting. I can't stand the idea of him touching me again, running his hands across my thighs,while I completely(unwillingly) jerk and buck against his tongue. My skirt hiked up around my hips, legs locked at the ankles behind his fucking head as I gasp for air. Why I even find myself ever thinkign of that is more then completely beyond me...the idea of him being anywhere near that part of me makes me curl back into myself in complete and utter revulsion. And it`s not for any obvious reasons.

It`s because I`m his whore. Reduced to a shell of a person, a mass of hot,aching sweating flesh that he continues to ravage to feel at peace with himself and the monster he`s allowed himself to become. I`m nothing as far as he`s concerned. Christ, the man doesn`t even know my **name**.

The hot breath on my neck, and the slight variable pressure on the crotch of my jeans...why would I ever think he could want anything more of me. No one ever does. They`re happy enough with making me squirm, making me pant...making me scream. Not one of them realizes the screaming is much louder when I`m all alone.

When I can scream my throat completely raw, knees crushed to my chest in a corner with mascara stains on my cheeks, thats when the real girl surfaces. Not the pretty girl with the bright innocent eyes looking up at you with her pouty little lips wrapped around your cock. No,not is the girl with the fire in her eyes, licking its way into her heart. The girl who digs her nails into the palms of her hands instead of your back as you slam her head into the headboard again. She looks at herself in the mirror after going for 2 hours, her cheeks flushed, hair a mess and as she fakes a weak smile she begins to break. Shatter into a million crystalline pieces.

Which again, is mostly because he doesnt remember my name, instead he pants vulgarities in the dark,trying once more(and rather fatalistically at that) to forget everything while driving into me,pounding away to the point I can even feel my soul breaking. Any words have very little purpose here,and yet there he goes, slick with sweat,mumbling at me,snaking his tongue into my ear.

I wish to scream stop. Beat at him with small bunched up fists-as im so very very small,and he is...well..big. But I'm pinned down,and that wretched poison tongue has found refuge in my mouth. Tempted to bite,I squirm underneath him,trying for an escape.

But,there is no way away from him,not until his release. It's never about mine. Selfish,arrogant jerk. Waste of flesh.

I can always feel the shudder,his body twitching as he thrusts into me painfully one last time. Something that should feel warm and pleasurable all of a sudden gives me the chills, makes me wish I had the strength to fight him off, or the wearwithall to claw out his fucking of me is fairly certain thats the only thing that could ever make me want to even begin to think about forgiving,forgetting or believing. That sick hot rush inside of me and he's whispering in my ear,that he wants to keep me.

that im his.

the way to try and get me.

own me. because im nothing to you.

im sure that if one day he realized that he meant _everything _ to me, he would run.

But he wishes me to be everything to him. Wants me kept trapped in his arms, negating everything that I can not will not feel. At least not when he's there. Alone, in the dark, aching for some kind of touch, thats when I can allow myself to feel anything at all for this abhoration. It's not so much _what_ I feel for him that's the problem, rather that I feel anything at all for the one who wants nothing more then to reach up inside me and unravel me completely. When I shut my eyes, I can see his behind the lids, shimmering irridescence...a myriad of millions of colors that make me ill. Bile clutches at my throat,rising until I choke it back down again. It only stops when I don't shut my eyes. If I don't shut my eyes and I can become deaf to everything in the world...

I don't see how he looks at me..

I don't hear him telling me those empty fucking promises.

Those words that everythings fine. That I'm safe...that he'll never leave me. That the insanity isn't a problem.

It's those words that shatter her. Those words because she really cares this time. And she doesn't feel like ripping the tape from the wounds on her precious heart too many years too early because **deep down inside** she knows...

_knows that it will never be any different._

they tell her so. every single time she thinks they might be silent,be still..everytime she thinks she can smile without that heavy pain on her chest.

_you're a desperate fool to think its ever any different._

....love is never what its meant to be..

not for me.


End file.
